Overexposed

Thankfully the Mums in the Window chapter has closed!! I did my stint then ran off to have lunch with my friends. I think I'd blocked it out in the lead up and, as such, the day finally arriving came as a bit of a shock. When I got to the shop I changed and had heels and feathers thrown at me. I was suddenly thrown in a window with a TV camera in my face. It was then all a blur of adrenaline and false confidence.

And how am I feeling about it now? In one way it was a fantastic success. I raised just over eight hundred dollars for the Women's and Children's Hospital and I'm just one of ten women who put their bodies on the line. I'm also sure sure a lot went into the tins outside the shop. There was so many people who put in hours to raise as much money as possible. It's always great to be a part of something that comes together like that.

But for me personally? The best way to describe it is it's like having an emotional hang over. It's that feeling you get the day after when you remember how over the top you were and you also remember everyone else remembers too. People keep telling me "wow, I can't believe you can do that", and they really do mean it in a good way. But the more I hear it the more I think "well if no one else would do it then it must be something abnormal therefore I am abnormal" and, to be perfectly truthful, the feeling of being abnormal, or more specifically subnormal, is something I've been struggling with most of my life. I have always tried to put on a persona that is acceptable. It's only very recently that I have found I can be honest to people about my own feelings and beliefs and to feel that these are valid.

I have talked to many people about this feeling of never being real and I've found it's not really a unique thing. I think we have a tendency toward multiple personalities. There's a you at home, a you for work and a you for Sunday bests. It just depends on your function at that point in time. In the end I think having confidence in yourself is also having confidence in your friendships. It is beyond difficult to have confidence in yourself when you have no peer acceptance. Everything comes down to knowing that your friends will see you as you really are and your true friends will still love you anyway.

As an atheist I'm going to end on a rock n roll prayer:

I'm just a soul who's intentions are good. Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.